Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm NOT crazy! LOL!

Well, Brad and I just got back from Austin yesterday. In my five day visit, I had psych evaluations, counseling sessions, girlie tests, and blood work. WHEW! So, after a 562 question psych test, I get to be the first to say to all of you who thought other wise... I am NOT crazy. YaY!

Bringing you back to the Wednesday we left, I had a friend ask me if i was nervous. At that point I had a lot going on with getting the kids ready for the babysitters, so I didn't have time to be nervous or excited for that matter. We were a little late (okay a lot late) leaving Hattiesburg, so I guess that is when I became a little anxious. I thought for sure we were going to miss our flight. All was fine and we made it no problem. Once arriving in Austin, I was glad we decided not to check our bags, b/c I couldn't get out of the airport fast enough, to see Tara and George. Brad and I decided to stay at their house instead of getting a hotel, and never did I feel that things would be awkward or uncomfortable. We arrived at their house, had dinner and great conversation.

The next morning was my psych evaluation. This appointment was for me, so Tara dropped me off. I was beginning to feel a bit nervous at this point. I didn't know what to expect, and a lot weighed on this portion of the trip. I had a hour evaluation with the psychiatrist. She inquired about my childhood to my intentions and everything in between. Then came the 562 question True/False test. My goodness I thought I would never finish! That afternoon we all had to come back for a counseling session with all four of us in attendance. She informed me that she reviewed my test and that I was boring. Wow, boring? I would have never thought of myself as boring, but in the psych world, boring is good! YAY! I passed! LOL! Anyway, the counseling session was really just to make sure we ALL were reading from the same book, and on the same paragraph. So I guess, in a way, we all passed! YAY again!

Friday was the day I was really anticipating. We had an appointment with the fertility clinic. I was anxious but calm all at the same time. I had my ultrasound and girlie test and then we all got to sit down with the nurse and go over the whole process. Wow, I thought, things are starting to become so real. After our appointment at the clinic, Brad, Tara and I had to get our blood work done. Not my favorite part of the trip. I hate giving blood. It make me queezy! Yuck! As I write this I chuckle, as I think back to all the shots I have to give myself and the ones Brad has to give me. This is gonna be FUN! Anyway! After they took a total of 15 viles of blood from the three of us, it was time to eat! Now that all of our tests were out of the way, the next day and a half were spent getting to know each other better. We cooked together, laughed together and even spent all day Saturday laying on the couch in pj's together.

Sunday morning came bright and early, time to go home! I was sad to leave and wished we could have stayed longer. Lots of emotions, and feelings went into and came out of this trip. We know that we are always welcome in the Silvio house and we will be going back before we know it.


Let me start off by saying that Brad and I have not got the positive response from people, like Tara and George have. I am going to list the most common issues I encounter and then I am going to explain to you WHY I am still doing this. You still may not support nor agree with me, but I hope you can better understand where I am coming from.

1.) What if something happens?
2.) What about your children?
3.) Do you really think you will be able to give it up?
4.) That is nine months you are giving up!
5.) No amount of money is worth the consequences!
6.) I can see you doing this for a sister or a family member, but for a stranger?
7.) You have your own motives for doing this. (I know this doesn't really sound like something neg, but it is and I will explain)

What if something happens? What IF something happens! I am fully aware of the consequences and risks of my actions. I may have complications during my pregnancy, that no doctor could ever predict! I may die during delivery! I may be put on bed rest for the whole duration of my pregnancy. I UNDERSTAND! There are risks and consequences for every action! Did you know that every time you get behind the wheel of your car, your brakes could go out, or you could get into a fatal accident? What keeps you getting into your car every morning to go to work? You get in it because it is what you have done 5 million times before and nothing has happened, and what are the chances that it will happen this time! Exactly! This is not the first time I have gotten behind the wheel and even though I know the risks and consequences, it isn't going to stop me. Because I see the WHOLE picture! LIFE!

What about your children? What ABOUT my children? Do they know what is going on? Yes! I am a mother that explains everything to my children. They are fully informed at the level of their understanding! What if you die because of this? Then it is my time to go! I am confident in the fact that my husband will step up to the plate and be the mother and the father! I have family that will love them, and I know that they will be cared for to the fullest! I can not live my life on the what if's? For those of you who truly know me, know that! Once again, I am giving someone the most precious gift of all and if I die giving someone that, I will die knowing that I allowed someone else to feel what I felt!

Do you really think you will be able to give the baby up? Yes! Am I naive to believe that I will not grieve? No! I can honestly tell you that I will cry, and cry a lot! I will grieve and I will hurt, but it is not my baby! There is no part of this baby that belongs to me! I am going into this with the thought that I am merely babysitting. When a mother comes to a babysitter/caretaker, she expects that person to keep her baby safe while she is away. Tara and George have come to Brad and I and asked us to babysit their baby/babies. When someone babysits, they love and care for this child and keep it safe, but they know that it is only temporary and the mother is going to come pick it up! And that is how I look at it. Tara and George are going to come pick up their babies, b/c they don't belong to us!

That is nine months you are giving up! Yes and no! What am I really giving up? Bikinis? yes! Drinking? yes! Riding a roller coaster? yes! Everything else? No! Pregnancy is a condition, not a sickness or a disease! I will have a belly, my feet will swell, but all of this is minor!

No amount of money is worth the consequences! This one is easy! I am not doing this for the money! I would still do it if money wasn't involved. It all goes back to my view of the risks and consequences. (see paragraph 2)

I can see you doing this for a sister or a family member, but for a stranger? This one really boggles my mind! Are you okay with the risks and consequences if I am giving a sister or family member the gift of life, but not if it is for a stranger? CONFUSION! Consequences and risks are still the same, and the big picture is that you are bringing LIFE into this world! By the way, Tara and George aren't strangers! Yes I met them a year ago, but Tara means more to me than some of my family! So I guess what I am saying is that she is my family, so now you can be okay with it!

You have your own motives for doing this. I can honestly say that there are some selfish reasons for doing this. I like being pregnant. I love the attention I get when I am pregnant. It is going to make me feel great for doing this. But I am doing something big and selfless and I am okay with have some selfish reasons for doing it. Does that make sense? Brad and I were talking about this the other day, and he made a great point. Rich people give to the poor all of the time. Why? To make them feel better about themselves! A firefighter saves lives all the time because he enjoys it and makes him feel more important or needed, but do you think the person who he saved cares about that? No, he is still a hero in their eyes! See where I am going. Yes I may have selfish reasons for doing this but I am human and Tara and George could care less, they will be holding a baby in less than a year. (WE HOPE)

So all in all, I hope this helps you understand me and my motivation, or my view on the whole process. If you have any other questions, concerns or curiosities, let me know! I would love to hear your point!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Ding... You've Got Mail!

Is emotional roller coaster a good fit?
Tara and I have been on the same page from pretty much the beginning, so when I received my contract from Tara & George's lawyer about a month ago I thought, like everything else, this is going to be smooth sailing. So I soon sent it to my attorney for review and since have been anxiously awaiting a reply. Today, to my surprise, I had received an email response from my attorney. Yeahhh, I thought, a few minor things that need to be changed and off to Austin we will go. NOT! It was full of red tape...take this out, I don't like that, DO NOT SIGN THIS and last but not least, Walk Away Fast! Wow, I wasn't expecting that. At first I was a little freaked out, not to the point of walking away, but in a way that I wasn't expecting it to be as bad as my attorney was making it out to be. Then I sat back and realized this is just one of those little speed bumps we will encounter on this untraveled journey. I mean this whole process isn't about legal mumbo jumbo! It is about the BIG picture! I called Tara and the sound of her voice reminded me that the contract was just a piece of paper and that at this point I don't really even care what that contract does or does not state. Well, after speaking to Tara, and her speaking to her lawyer, we have ironed out most of the red tape and I think we are back on track. At this point I feel in my heart that this is what I am supposed to do, and there isn't enough red tape in the world for me to walk away now! So needless to say, today I have taken a ride on the emotional roller coaster. I have laughed, cried and was even a little freaked out. I know this won't be my last ride, but I know that in the end it will all be worth it!!!! Lisa