Rides over... Go Home!

Well it has been a roller coaster of a ride these last two weeks to say the least... but I will say it has come to a screeching halt!  I went to my OB on Friday the 22nd of April for our 12 week checkup. I was a little apprehensive the night before because I was finished with the morning sickness and was not feeling pregnant anymore but I know that is normal for this stage in the pregnancy. I was so excited to see the heartbeat and record it for Tara & George. I went in and my Dr. began to check for a hb using the doppler. Nothing! He reassured me that it was because I had a tilted uterus. He decided to do my exam to see where my uterus was positioned and then tried again. Still Nothing! I was freaking out a little bit at this point, but yet again he reassured me that it was just that my uterus was tilted very far and that my heartbeat was louder than the baby's, so he wanted to do an ultrasound to ease my mind. There I was laying on the table looking at the u/s screen as my OB gelled me up and placed the wand on my belly. I had a knot in my stomach as the sac appeared on the screen and there the baby was laying at the bottom of the sac. My OB then pointed out the fetal pole...and then silence. I looked at my Dr. and said "That's not good, huh?" And he began to tell me that there wasn't a heartbeat! It stopped growing at about 10 weeks. Surely he is not saying these words right now...I felt like I was in a Charlie Brown episode because everything else he said was womp womp womp womp, D&C this afternoon, womp womp womp womp! I'm sorry, did you say D&C and this afternoon? It was too much to process. I needed to talk to Brad, to Tara! OMG that is so permanent and way too fast. Isn't there some medication you can give me, CPR we can do?  Something? Anything?  Just not that!  He was so apologetic and told me to go home and discuss it with everyone and then call to schedule a time. I left empty and not sure how I was going to tell Tara. This was it for them, their last hope before adoption. How could I have let them down. I don't do D&C's ... I deliver babies! I went home, made the dreaded phone call to Tara!  It was the most horrible thing I have had to do in my life.  I felt as though my heart was ripped right out of my chest.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak. It felt like as soon as I heard her voice I just blurted it out... there wasn't a heartbeat.  Wow, did I just say that?  How could I have been so blunt, but I didn't know how else to say it.  That information was not in the contract... I wasn't prepared for this.  After many tears and hanging up with Tara,  I called my Ob back and they told me to come in right away. Freak-out moment yet again...Brad was on his way home from out of town and wouldn't be home for two hours! I can't do this on my own. Thank goodness for my friend Rhonda, who came and sat with me until he showed up. The procedures went well, I guess and rested the remainder of the evening. Wound up in the ER that night for not being able to urinate. They didn't cover that in the discharge paperwork... Needless to say I went home with a fabulous leg accessory, also known as a Foley catheter till Sunday when my wonderful sister-in-law, who is a nurse, took it out for me.  Everything was going smoothly until Thursday when Brad left for Atlanta.  Freak-out moment number three... I started hemorrhaging!  Of all days when Brad is out of town.  I called my fabulous mother-in-law Gayle and she came up from New Orleans immediately to help with the kids b/c the Dr. put me on a ton of medication and strict bed rest for 2 days.  Thankfully all is well now and today I am physically ok but mentally and emotionally I am still not sure. I know everything happens for a reason, but I just don't know what happens next.  I feel like the ride is over... park is CLOSED!!! GO HOME!